Number 1: "If I'm not crazy, then there is something wrong with me."
Number 2: My dogs think I need a helmet and a straight jacket; they need the cell phone and the remote control.
Number 3: "She has a few loose boards in her tree house, literally and figuratively.
Number 4: I don't hate people, they just think I do, with good reason.
Number 5: I wish I would quit falling off my roof, it's so embarrasing.
Number 6: I get so tickled when ghosts run from ME!
Number 7: People say my life is a lie; I wish I could agree.
Number 8: If I didn't stumble and fumble everywhere I go, no one would notice me.
Number 9: "God, I know you love me, but do you have to squeeze me so damm hard?"
Number 10: If I didn't have an old man named Pop's answering my late night phone calls, I'd be dialing Russia, probably....